if love is patient and kind,
then i am not lovable
you held me in contempt
til i left, til i left
if love delights in truth
then i guess i will be honest
i want to let you in
i cannot let you in
i wonder if you know
that in four years you'll go
just like i wrote
five years ago
when it piles and it piles
and i purge when it falls
i pour wine on a weeknight
and wait for you to call
if love never fails
then what the fuck just happened?
for all that i reserve
i get what i deserve
if no record is kept
then why does this feel wrong?
i knew it all along
i knew it all along
the man at the natural
food store smokes cigarettes
i visit him for
ice cream and beer
so i can feel the way i felt
when i loved nobody else
for all i held
last year
if love is patient and kind,
then i am not lovable
you held me in contempt
til i left, til i left, til i left
brush my teeth in the office bathroom
where nobody can hear
you didn’t let me leave before i’m left
and now no one comes near
all i have to offer is survival
i am soft by circumstance
if i didn’t start the fire i’d be lying
but i can’t give myself a chance
i meant what i said when i said it
i mean what say until i don’t
when i’m asked to be i’ll be patient
i’ll hold on until i won’t
the other shoe will drop in no time
i’ll be better off without desire
i’ll swear up and down i didn’t cause it
that i didn’t start the fire
my heart is only in it when my head’s not
when my head is in my body’s out
i am never certain i won’t hurt me
the only certainty i feel is doubt
i send another text when i shouldn’t
my blind spot lives inside my thumbs
at least the fire makes it smell nice
i take what i give as it comes
i feel like i’m lying at the sports bar
and if not lying, certainly hiding
my two sides can meet
as an offseason treat
for now they wait
i feel like i’m lying when i’m dancing
everyone knows it
i just don’t show it
no place where i am truthful
where love can be so fruitful in between
i wonder when the world will feel clean again
i wonder if i’ll ever see you again
i am only out when it’s convenient
off and on, i disclose then i disguise
i harbor some resentment
in all of your contentment as you are
cause i am only out when i am drinking
so i’ll take another citywide
and raise another glass
give you another pass for all you’ve heard
all my best songs are about people that i’ve blocked
but i still want them to hear them
i wonder when the world will feel clean again
i wonder if i’ll ever see you again
if i am patient and kind
then you must’ve been lying
i should’ve called your bluff
i was never enough
and even if i was
this whole time i was wrong
you knew it all along
and strung me along
when you sat on my couch
grabbed my thigh and you held me
the night before the city shut down
the things we’ll never do
the plans that all fell through
the train i’ll never take uptown
if love is patient and kind
then i am unlovable
you held me in contempt
til you left, til you left, til you left
about
ugh lol
vox/guitar/variety of midi organs by me
rachel dispenza + mark davis sing on tinder in a dull dystopia
:~)
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