the boulder in my belly is a peanut butter jelly

by anna ladd

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about

when i was six and started to eat in the cafeteria, my parents told me that i was only allowed to get ice cream on fridays. because i had unsupervised and seemingly limitless access to ice cream, i did not listen to them. until one afternoon, i punched in my lunch number, and they took my tray of nuggets away while handing me a pink slip and a peanut butter jelly, letting me know that i was out of money. i took this the wrong way and went home crying, terrified to admit to my parents that I had brought our family to bankruptcy with my ice cream consumption.

most of the time, being an adult feels like someone just whacked you in the face with a limp cafeteria sandwich. this is a record about that.

credits

released May 5, 2017

vox/guitar/bass/keys by me, for better or for worse
big text love to Citywide Records for tapes, friendship, and fun

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about

anna ladd Massachusetts

timid punk

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Track Name: discontent
a creature of habit pulls herself out of bed
it's easy to be bored and easier to be boring -
i am, for now, fine with both
i will tweet about it and others will relate to my discontent,
we laugh together about quitting our jobs and no one is joking
but it is something to hold on to.
one day i will be ready to abandon structure,
opt out of what has been assigned to us.
a creature of habit falls asleep.
it's easy to be bored and easier to be boring.
Track Name: well, actually
hey let me lend you some shoegaze tapes
it'll really change your perspective on music

hairless and helpless
hairless and helpless
teach me how to use a pedalboard
hairless and helpless
so gentle and precious
this guitar is too heavy
for my delicate lady ears

taking shots
that'll never reach their audience
because my voice
is a little too high
Track Name: make me
could this saggy pair of cutoffs ever encapsulate
the questions that have run through my head
the way that i present myself
the way that i regret myself
am i thin enough to be seen as androgynous yet

who would i be if no one had told me the answer

yet another indirect way to talk about my body
read me as a boy and hang me out to dry
it all makes sense when you put it in a timeline
"wow you really look like a girl when you try"

reach me grab me find me take me

is this body a wonderland or is it a graveyard
repeat the question til you're safe in your skin
is this body a graveyard, an organic resting ground
a collection of all the bodies it has been

reach me grab me find me make me
pull me hold me own me take me
weigh me daily let this change me
reach me grab me find me make me
Track Name: shortcomings
sometimes i wanna go outside without choking on a mouthful
of air that tastes like sewage and menthols
and the air tastes the same in this bubble that we built
a center city organism laced with white guilt

i'll get a new tattoo that says i came out swinging
but this time it'd be a bit more honest
everyone thinks the drivers in their hometown are reckless

i dont do my laundry cause it serves a metaphor
what would i write songs about if nothings on my floor
i am complacent in self sabotage cause its all i've ever known
wake up, doubt and deprecate and moan and fucking groan

i blame my apartment or my education
i blame my body i blame my brain
i blame my environment for my shortcomings
i blame my environment for my shortcomings
i blame my environment for my shortcomings

i'll get a new tattoo that says i came out swinging
but this time it'd be a bit more honest
everyone thinks the drivers in their hometown are reckless
Track Name: good dude backed hard
a black sheep is still a sheep
hide behind a trendy haircut
timely facebook statuses
and oh they cheer him on

if actions mean less than words
we know you will be heard
so socially engaged
but only online where it matters

a black sheep is still a sheep
but he's fine if you like his music
he rides his bike to work!
a good dude, backed hard

but intersectionality
looks like accountability
for all the shit your good dude did
before he moved to philly
Track Name: pretty
i wore makeup at 12 because i thought that i had to
a caked face adds a new step to my routine
thatll feel more normal if i turn 16
coming of age and learning to preen

i tried on a dress so that i could feel pretty
another harrowing trip to the mall
the kohls dressing room must be lying
and i must just not be trying

it must be a teenage rebellion
i cant always feel like an alien
my self esteem would take a boost
if i just tried another skirt at school

are you sure that you want to get that haircut
boys dont like it if theres nothing to hold on to
the things that have been deemed essential
to fufill my womanly credentials

the smell of burning hair fills the bathroom
my straightener makes me worthy of attention
if i play along here ill adapt
pluck me until i love myself

pluck me until i love myself
pluck me until i love myself
pluck me until i love myself
pluck me until i love myself
Track Name: enough to try
i water my plants every morning
cast a shadow
and hope that they will grow
dig into the ground
or maybe just my windowsill

i water my plants every morning
when control seems futile
it's not enough to try
it's not enough to try

i drown my plants every morning
routine brings results they said
is consistency genuine?
does consistency mean anything?
you bloom, you shrivel,
and flies consume you -
i'll press you
if you ever remember to

it's not enough to try
it's not enough to try
it's not enough to try
it's not enough to try
Track Name: vegetation
surrender to my stomach in earnest
but it has already yielded itself to my brain,
a carbon organism, it operates on its own terms -
not usually in the interest of self preservation.
we talk about survival mode from a distance as if we do not spend all day gulping down oxygen against our will,
it has been years of this, of lungs vs. brain chemistry,
discerning the difference between subtlety and numbness.
i divulge now more than ever, but it is insincere -
what is there to reveal when your own sadness is trite?
you are left with your role as compost,
living somewhere between reduce, reuse, and recycle.
it is evident that my body has held on to what i’ve put it through,
it communicates with hollow pricks in my midsection,
a wrench in my side that says, it’s been a while.
in time, you cannot make the distinction between growth and corrosion.
i think of repetition as research,
insisting that two steps forward, one step back still gets you there,
even when the pattern begins to look circular.
Track Name: natural selection II
natural selection vs. my seasonal depression
i have made it through yet another week
though my heart's still racing
i'm better with the pacing
but it's still too fast sometimes to speak
my stomach screams an "oh no"
when i think about four loko
my youthful fun has promptly found an end
i am an adult now
with lots of adult know how
even though it's like playing pretend

natural selection vs my constant yeast infection
my body's nauseous state has gotten stale
i ate a salad yesterday
so why do i still hurt this way
somewhere in between distraught and frail
i thought that it’d be better -
to lower my blood pressure
we haven’t yet grown out of ourselves
i thought that it’d be better
it can’t be like this forever
at least that’s that i keep telling myself

natural selection vs my bloated pale midsection
it asks me to escape out of the door
it almost feels like progress
til you look back at the process
right back to where i was before
maybe the golden section
can frame my trash collection
as something more than lawless disarray
natural selection vs my youthful resurrection
i’m just happy that i made it through the day
Track Name: capitalism
there's no one here to remind me to shower
remove head from sphincter at the end of every hour
capitalism scammed me
and i didn't even ask to be born

so why should i have to participate
or assign a value to the things that i make
if there's time to make them at all
if there's time to make them at all

i need to curb my vegan mayonnaise addiction
before my family cuts me off completely
that shit is seven dollars a bottle
i am irresponsible

scroll on past my free media
an average creative with an average blog
in search of job security
so i can die in obscurity

i get that this seems bitter
but at least i still have twitter
at least i still have twitter
where no one can ignore me

capitalism scammed me
follow all these steps and you'll be just fine
i'm still waiting for my passive income
from my well lit instagram
capitalism scammed me
another entitled millennial
i lack what i need as far as endurance
i don't want to pay for health insurance

why does nobody listen to my band
i know i'm not that good
but i cannot be as bad
as the twenty one pilots
and lots of people like them